— DOG GOSSIP OF RECORD —

PFEIFFER!!

VOL. II•COLUMBUS, OHIO•JUNE 11, 2026•FREE (steal it)

BREAKING: WATER NO LONGER CONSIDERED POISON — SOURCES STUNNED ••• FAN CLUB CONFIRMED — BECKY SENDS TREATS, A WHALE, DEVOTION ••• BUNNY SIGHTED IN YARD — SURVEILLANCE ONGOING ••• NEW TOY "THE WHALE" — TOY GRAVEYARD ON STANDBY ••• ROBOT VACUUM ACTIVATED, EVACUATION IN PROGRESS ••• MYSTERIOUS NICK BY THE EYE — SHE'S NOT TALKING ••• SOURCES: "SHE LOVES CHEESE" ••• MAILMAN APPROACHES — FILM AT 11 ••• SIMON SIGHTED ON STAIRS, TENSE ••• OFFICE SOFA OCCUPIED — WORK DELAYED INDEFINITELY ••• "OUTSIDE" UTTERED IN KITCHEN — SPIN COUNT: 6 •••
PFEIFFER on her dog bed beside a handwritten note that reads: Thank you, Becky. Pfeiffer.
WORLD EXCLUSIVE

SHE HAS A
FAN CLUB.

It started with a fan letter. It escalated into a friendship — and a steady supply of treats.

It began with fan mail. BECKY — mother of fan-club president Jess and, by her own joyful declaration, the club's most devoted member — wrote to the star through this very publication. PFEIFFER, naturally, wrote back. And so a correspondence was born: warm, frequent emails, every one signed off in the star's own paw, "Pfeiffer 🐾." Then came the tributes. First, treats — two bags of them, Bocce's Bakery, the good stuff. Then the whale, which PFEIFFER received with the kind of full-body, spinning, tail-whipping joy reserved for life's truly great gifts, and has hardly put down since. Sources confirm she has never been happier to be adored.

BY OUR FAN CLUB DESK

FAN
MAIL!

TODAY'S TOP STORIES

evidence: the nick, photographed under duress.
MYSTERY

WHAT HAPPENED
OUT THERE?

A backyard ruckus, a streak of dog, one unexplained nick by the eye.

It began with a commotion no one saw. The lone witness reports PFEIFFER streaking into the house at speed, wild-eyed, with a fresh nick beside one eye. What actually happened out there, nobody knows. The desk's leading theories: she pushed her face through a gap in the fence to say hello to the neighbor dog; or she ran into it at full tilt chasing the bunny toward the hole it dug underneath. No fight has been confirmed. She has declined to comment.

"she ran in like that. nobody saw a thing." — a source, unverified

the whale, alive at time of photo.
NEW ARRIVAL

MEET
THE WHALE.

Pray for it. Becky's second tribute enters a household with a documented toy-mortality problem.

The whale — plush, blue, beloved — arrived after the treats and went straight into custody. She has carried it from room to room ever since, presenting it to every visitor and housemate, daily, with unmistakable pride. As of press time it lives — though the Toy Graveyard editors, citing precedent, have quietly prepared a plot. "Every toy thinks it's different," said one. "And that whale looks pretty soft."

"long may it squeak." — an optimist

the president, detained at floor level.
EXCLUSIVE

SHE BOWLED
HER OVER.

Fan-club president Jess came to visit — and, as ever, PFEIFFER was overjoyed to see her.

PFEIFFER doesn't greet Jess so much as tackle her, and this visit was no exception. Down went the president; up went the tail. What followed was a long, joyful, floor-level negotiation involving treats, cheese, the whale, and a great deal of standing triumphantly over her guest. The verdict is the one it always is: PFEIFFER is always happy when Jess comes around.

"she lights up every single time jess walks in." — a source close to the president

peace, restored. (a stretch of relief.)
RETRACTION

UPDATE:
BOWL
NO LONGER
POISON

The water once condemned as poison is, without explanation, water again.

Weeks after PFEIFFER declared her bowl compromised and switched to puddles, gutters, and "whatever that is by the fence," the desk confirms a quiet reversal: she now drinks from it — freely, repeatedly, without ceremony. No statement accompanied the change. No apology was offered.

"she just drinks from it now. like none of it happened." — a relieved witness

THE PACK

the chosen few she permits in her orbit

Jackie
JACKIE

MOM • BAR OWNER • OVERNIGHT BED

Pours drinks all evening, sleeps all night with PFEIFFER.

Shayne
SHAYNE

UNCLE • BUSINESS TECH GUY

Hosts her unpaid daily internship from the office sofa. She watches him work. She snores through meetings.

Simon the cat
SIMON

THE CAT • 17 • FRENEMY

A tabby of advanced years and grievances. Tolerated. Antagonized. Loves her secretly, allegedly.

Jess
JESS

FAMILY FRIEND • TREAT DEALER

Arrives bearing offerings. Documented to trigger uncontrollable spinning.

TOP SECRET

KNOWN ENEMIES

Threat Level Index — internal use only

S

THE ROBOT VACUUM

a.k.a. "THE DEMON PANCAKE"

🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾

The only being she fears. Evacuates entire floors upon the demon pancake's activation. Has not been forgiven. Will never be forgiven.

A

THE MAILMAN

a daily aggressor

🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾

Pushes paper through the slot. The mail does not survive. PFEIFFER considers this her unpaid second job.

B

THE BUNNY

at large; yard-adjacent

🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾

Subject of ongoing surveillance. Status: still alive, infuriatingly.

??

THE LAWNMOWER

the paradox

🐾🐾🐾🐾🐾

Larger and louder than the demon pancake. Paradoxically engaged in combat. Researchers baffled. Funding requested.

* Simon was considered for inclusion but is technically a known associate. See: THE PACK.

THE TOY GRAVEYARD

In Memoriam — every month, a new shipment. Every month, the inevitable.

Cosmic Koala, before the inevitable

COSMIC KOALA

final known photograph

cause of death:
PFEIFFER

Grrrr the monkey, intact

GRRRR THE MONKEY

final photograph, hours before

cause of death:
PFEIFFER

Banana the Banana, after

BANANA THE BANANA

the scene as discovered

cause of death:
PFEIFFER

The Blue One, scene of crime

THE BLUE ONE

suspect photographed at scene

cause of death:
PFEIFFER

The Purple One, as discovered

THE PURPLE ONE

found on the rug, disemboweled

cause of death:
PFEIFFER

BarkBox declined to comment.

obtained without consent. you're welcome.

EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE

leaked reels, authenticated for the first time — select your surveillance below.

REC 00:00:00:00 CAM-04 / RESIDENCE

Recovered residential surveillance. The word "outside" is uttered. PFEIFFER initiates a documented rotation sequence. Witnesses confirm: this happens every time.

PFEIFFER MAIL

fan mail, tips, confessions — the desk reads everything.

all submissions logged. all kisses noted.